


le stupide queue de chat gode

by Carrot_Bunny



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 'take me to church' plays in the background, (or mentions of it anyway don't get too disappointed), Aftercare, Aged-Up Character(s), All in that order, Animal Play, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Body Worship, Deepthroating, Dildos, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Play, Double Anal Penetration, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Light Bondage, M/M, Making Out, Marking, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Riding, Rimming, Sexual Roleplay, Shameless Smut, Smut, Threesome - M/M/M, Wax Play, and Kuroo being a little shit, facial wash shenanigans, feat. stupid cat tail dildos, forgive me Father for I have sinned, get rekt Suga, have a hella good bday chloe, how many ways can you write two people sucking each other's faces off anyway, so much making out, that's all this is really, with a capital S
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 06:57:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7674544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carrot_Bunny/pseuds/Carrot_Bunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p><br/>“Or maybe this?” Kuroo suggests as he thrusts back abruptly to grind his tail against Daichi’s thigh, and he is rewarded with a breathy gasp.</p>
  <p>“Now now my sweet kitten, no need to be hasty.” A finger strokes ever so gently over his lower spine, just the lightest of touches, but it’s enough for Kuroo to nearly collapse onto the bed from all the quivering his legs are doing. He looks back to see caramel-brown eyes locked on his in a smoldering gaze, and a thrill of excitement dances down his back. </p>
  <p>“Yes master,” he defers demurely, then keens softly as a hand reaches out to stroke him under his chin.<br/></p>
</blockquote><br/>A certain someone just turned legal, so I went and put this together as a 'congrats you can officially watch R18 movies now!' birthday gift. 90% sin, 10% fluff, and 100% inspired by late-night WhatsApp chat sessions. Holy water not provided.
            </blockquote>





	le stupide queue de chat gode

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IvyS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyS/gifts).



> Go ahead. Put the fic title into Google Translate and see what comes up, I dare you.
> 
> Dedicated to Chloe not just because it's her birthday, but also because this fic wouldn't even exist if it weren't for her. Or the other dozens of AUs, headcanons, kink prompts, and god knows what else in our chat logs. Oh, and Haiba Leg too.
> 
> Basically, this is for the best partner-in-fandom I could ever ask for to commemorate a very special milestone, and here's to even more crazy awesome times ahead! 友谊万岁！

“Sugawara Koushi, I’ve known you since high school and dated you since freshman year. We’ve been through so much together and stayed with each other for so long, and I’ll never stop feeling lucky to have someone who listens and understands me so well. That’s why I want you to know…”

Daichi pauses for a moment, closing his eyes as if to collect his thoughts in preparation for the big reveal.

“... that these look even more stupid than Kuroo’s Hello Kitty boxers.”

Suga promptly gives a snort of laughter, his grin never dropping even with Daichi’s cynical stare leveled on him. “Melodramatic Sawamura strikes again, huh? Also please, nothing can look as stupid as Kuroo’s Hello Kitty boxers.”

“Hey, I object!” Kuroo’s sprawled across the other side of the bed, arms folded lazily under his head as he lounges on his back with virtually nothing on, but he now rolls onto his side to face his boyfriends. “My Hello Kitty boxers are cute! You said so yourself the other day, Suga!”

Suga shrugs. “Okay, they’re somewhat cute – and _really_ stupid. Rather like you, actually.”

Kuroo sniffs in mock indignation. “Nice to know I’m only _somewhat_ cute. And what would fit your criteria of actual adorableness, I wonder?”

“Well, this makes a good example,” Suga answers as he deftly slips the collar’s buckle in place and sits back on his haunches to admire his handiwork.

“Hmm.” Kuroo shifts onto his stomach and props his chin up with one arm to better contemplate Daichi’s new getup, his shrewd gaze taking in the tufted dog ears perched on Daichi’s head and the gleaming tag fastened around his beck. “I suppose you have a point, although that pinched expression kinda spoils the effect. Lighten up a bit, Sawamura.”

“I’ll lighten up with I don’t look like a complete idiot,” Daichi deadpans while crossing his arms across his bare chest as if to obscure it from view. However, the motion also causes his beautifully defined biceps to flex almost invitingly, a sight neither of the other two fail to notice.

“Come on now Daichi,” Kuroo practically purrs as he sidles up to his stoic-faced lover until their faces are barely a foot apart. “I’m wearing much the same as you are right now, and _I’m_ not complaining.”

“That’s because you’re used to looking completely ridiculous!” Daichi retorts hotly, but Kuroo’s close enough to see that he’s al flustered from their close proximity, and the smirk on his face only grows wider.

“Oh, and which part of me looks ridiculous? Could it be these?” Kuroo asks as he dips his head forward so that his cat ears are brushing against Daichi’s forehead.

“Or this?”, and he tilts his chin to let the bell attached to his collar ring softly.

“Or maybe this?” he suggests as he thrusts back abruptly to grind his tail against Daichi’s thigh, and he is rewarded with a breathy gasp.

“Now now my sweet kitten, no need to be hasty.” A finger strokes ever so gently over his lower spine, just the lightest of touches, but it’s enough for Kuroo to nearly collapse onto the bed from all the quivering his legs are doing. He looks back to see caramel-brown eyes locked on his in a smoldering gaze, and a thrill of excitement dances down his back.

“Yes master,” he defers demurely, then keens softly as a hand reaches out to stroke him under his chin. He lets Suga pull him backwards until their lips mesh against each other, and when the other’s tongue pokes at his teeth he immediately opens up to grant access into his oral cavity. Even as he loses himself in the kiss, he can feel Suga’s fingertips prodding almost playfully at the ring of puckered flesh where the cat tail dildo is inserted into him, and his cock twitches in anticipation.

Daichi remains silent all throughout, and when Kuroo ends the kiss to look down he sees wide-blown pupils filled with lust and desire. He grins as he dips down to capture Daichi’s lips in his own swollen ones, but even as Daichi props himself up in an attempt to deepen the kiss he’s already pulling away. Paying no heed to Daichi’s moan of disappointment he turns to Suga.

“What would you like me to do, master?”

Suga hums as he leans forward to fondle Daichi’s dog tag. “Well, we have such a sweet little puppy here with us today, but like all new pets he has to be house-trained first. We’ll show him how it’s done here, make him feel right at home, and then,” he yanks firmly on the dog tag and turns to stare straight into Kuroo’s eyes, “I want you to fuck him into oblivion.”

* * *

Suga had required a bit of effort to procure the canine-themed accessories. While the adult toy shop where Kuroo had gotten his cat outfit had a wide array of similar items, neither it nor the other establishments he visited had something suitable that didn’t either look too tacky or cost him a whole month’s salary. However, he’d managed to find what he wanted after quite a few online searches, and although they were still at the higher end of his budget range they came with a discount on the collar, so all in all he was quite satisfied. Besides, the little tufts of fur jutting out on the hairband were really too cute to resist.

“Good boy,” he now praises as he strokes them, and follows it up with a good tug on Daichi’s hair. He can feel his boyfriend’s throat constrict around his cock as he moans in response, and the corners of his mouth lift in amusement as he pushes Daichi’s head down further to make him take in more of his length. The wet squelching noises Daichi makes as he works his mouth tirelessly are matched in kind by those from Kuroo as his tongue lavishes Daichi’s perineum indulgently, even going so far as to dip into his entrance.

“Is he ready yet, my little kitty?” Suga trills merrily, right before a long hard suck from Daichi elicits an involuntary gasp from him. He can see Kuroo’s eyes crinkle with mirth at the sound, so he deliberately thrusts upwards into Daichi’s mouth in retaliation and gives a sadistic smirk at the choked groan he receives.

Kuroo pulls away from Daichi’s entrance slowly, forming a thin string of saliva between his tongue and Daichi’s rim before it breaks. “He’s ready, master.”

Suga nods. “Good. You can get into position now.” He wraps his fingers around Daichi’s chin and tugs him away firmly, then trails a finger through the precome lining Daichi’s lips.

“Should I clean this up for you, mm?” He pretends to mull it over, then smears the sticky substance across Daichi’s face instead. “Nah, I’ll let the cat lick you off instead. That’s what cats are good at, right?”

“Y-yes master,” Daichi croaks, his throat parched from his work earlier, and Suga nods approvingly as he maneuvers his pet onto his back. Kuroo’s already in place between Daichi’s legs, running his tongue down the insides of those glorious thighs, but one command from his master and he straightens up, lining his cock with Daichi’s entrance.

Suga doesn’t give him any further instructions, knowing he will handle this the way he wants him to. He watches as the tip of Kuroo’s member hovers over Daichi’s rim teasingly, as if he’s testing the waters, before he plunges in directly with no prior warning.

“Tetsu _rou_ – !“ Daichi’s moan morphs into a shriek, which is soon followed by a cacophony of noises as Kuroo sets a steady but grueling pace. The bell on his collar adds to the sounds, jingling loudly in time with the motion of his tail as it whips against Daichi’s insoles with every thrust. He pulls back until he’s almost out all the way, then slams into Daichi so hard he buries himself nearly to the hilt, and the ensuing scream is so loud Suga is positive the neighbors can hear it. Without thinking, he leans forward until his lips are hovering right over Daichi’s ear, his hand finding Daichi’s cock and pumping it at a speed to match Kuroo’s.

“Do you remember the time we restrained you to the bed and dripped hot wax all over you?” he whispers heatedly. “We started with your feet and left small drops of wax on your insoles even as we sucked on your toes with ice cubes in our mouths, but it was when we flipped you over and spread your legs to work on your thighs that you were the loudest. We made a trail of wax right down here,” and he draws his finger up the inside of Daichi’s thigh to indicate the path, “and we blindfolded you and made you guess which of us was doing what.

You nearly woke the entire neighborhood with your shrieks, so we had to stuff an apple into your mouth to muffle your sounds. Imagine, the great Sawamura ‘I have good self-control I don’t need gags’ Daichi trounced up like a roast pig with an actual apple in his mouth, biting so hard apple juice was running down his chin, covered with glistening dried wax and looking absolutely _wrecked_.”

Daichi lets out a deep moan at that, or maybe it was because Kuroo had found his prostate yet again. Suga looks up and notes the fine sheen of sweat on his feline companion’s brow, so he moves over and positions himself behind Kuroo. He dips down to mark a trail of kisses up his boyfriend’s spine, lingering over his most sensitive spots even as his hand grips Kuroo’s tail tightly and starts fucking him with it.

“Fuck, Koushi,” Kuroo manages to get out before he dives forward to finish what he had started with Daichi earlier. He first laps up every last bit of stickiness left on Daichi’s face, licking him clean before meeting his lips. This tine Daichi gets his wish fulfilled, ravishing every corner of Kuroo’s mouth even as the latter pounds into him until they can no longer tell who’s fucking whom.

When Daichi finally comes, it’s with an unintelligible shout as he leaves start pink lines on Kuroo’s back with his nails. As his lover falls back onto the mattress completely spent, Kuroo pulls out and turns to face Suga. His fully erect cock strains against his stomach.

“How did I do, master?”

Suga’s own cock is throbbing uncomfortably, and he’s aware his own end isn’t too far off either. Yet he still tosses his head nonchalantly and gives Kuroo his best provocative smirk. “Well enough. But before I reward you, you have to answer me this one question.” He pushes himself onto his knees so that he can look down on Kuroo, then yanks him forward by the collar until their faces are mere inches apart.

“Tell me how my come tastes on your tongue.”

Kuroo grins widely, then presses forward to attack Suga’s lips fervently. When they finally break apart, they’re both a little dizzy from the overwhelming sensation.

“The same way it tastes on yours,” Kuroo manages to say confidently.

Suga throws his hands up. “Fine, you’ve won me over. What would you like in return?”

“Why, my only wish is to serve you, master.” Kuroo strokes the side of Suga’s cock almost lovingly, then brushes the ball of his thumb over the slit to produce a soft cry of pleasure. They both turn to look at Daichi sitting propped up against the pillows, flaccid cock still leaking and stomach spattered with milky streaks of come.

“After all, we have to show the new pet how it’s done.”

* * *

Daichi usually lasts pretty long in the bedroom, but once he’s reached his climax he normally won’t propose or simply get drawn into a second round save for special circumstances. And quite undoubtedly, Suga bouncing himself up and down on Kuroo’s cock qualifies as one of those special circumstances.

He can feel his blood rushing down south again as Suga rides Kuroo vigorously, lifting himself with trembling thighs before plummeting straight down with cries of ecstasy. Kuroo isn’t remaining idle either, hands situated on Suga’s hips and guiding his movements while thrusting upwards at the same time.

“Yes, Tetsu, that’s good, right there, right – _aah_!” Sga arches his spine and throws his head back in exhilaration as Kuroo hits his sweet spot, the sliver of perspiration on his bared neck giving his pale skin a luminous glow under the bedroom lights.

“Woah, careful there,” Kuroo cautions as he grips Suga’s waist firmly to make sure his boyfriend doesn’t topple over from the momentum. “Okay, we’re going to have to change our position a little?”

“Change our position? Is this the part where you push me down and fuck me into the mattress?” Suga enquires with a tipsy giggle.

“No, but I’m not ruling that out yet. Help me out here, Daichi.”

“Got it.” Daichi quickly moves the pillows away so that Kuroo can lean against the headboard directly for support, then plants his hands on Suga’s shoulders to steady him as Kuroo shifts their bodies around. He leans in and nuzzles the skin where Suga’s jawbone meets his ear, and Suga lifts a hand to ruffle the hair on the back of his neck fondly.

“I’m not really sure what to do in petplay,” Daichi confesses in a quiet voice.

Suga chuckles warmly, much like how he would in regular daily life when he’s not fucking himself on his boyfriend’s cock. “There’s isn’t any particular thing to do or not do in ‘proper’ petplay. It’s not like all of us harbor a secret wish to be a cat after all.”

“Hey, I heard that.” Kuroo pauses in the process of licking Suga’s fingers to flick at his palm in retort.

“Tetsu, you’re the one who told us you once wrote in a school essay that you wanted to grow whiskers and catch mice.”

“I was only _seven_ ,” Kuroo laments before grinning. “Suga’s right though – there’s no set rules for this sort of thing. Just do whatever you feel like doing, what you think a pet would do for an owner who it loves very much. Of course, banging them is an added bonus,” he finishes with a smirk.

Daichi considers this, then reaches out to turn Suga’s head towards him so that he can plant slobbery kisses all over his face. “Ew, gross,” Suga complains, but he’s laughing as Daichi leaves a damp trail up his left cheek and finishes with an exaggeratedly loud smack on his forehead. He giggles at the ticklish feeling when Daichi runs his tongue down his other cheek, wet muscle rubbing against smooth skin.

“Someone’s really affectionate today. Kuroo, you’ve got competition for favorite pet.”

“Oh don’t worry, I have every intention to defend my title,” Kuroo states with a cocky smirk before sucking on the pads of skin between Suga’s fingers, smiling when he elicits a moan in return.

“No fair, you know Suga’s weakness is his fingers,” Daichi protests while in the midst of sucking a hickey on Suga’s collarbone.

“Well, I _could_ give you a hint as to what you could do to please me more,” Suga teases coyly as he guides Daichi’s hand down to where he’s still joined to Kuroo, and watches as his lover’s eyes widen in realization.

“Suga… are you sure?”

“I left the lube at the foot of the bed,” Suga tells him, and something in his eyes has Daichi scrambling to retrieve the small bottle quickly. He pours a liberal amount onto his fingers, then uses one to circle Suga’s already full entrance experimentally. Immediately Suga pushes down to urge him on, then lets out a sigh that is half a gasp as he feels the digit slide into him.

“Make sure you give me a good handjob while you’re at it, Sawamura,” Kuroo quips.

“Sorry, I’m only responsible for making my master feel good,” Daichi returns slyly as he inserts a second finger and starts making small scissoring motions to stretch Suga further. Suga’s panting from the stimulation by now, and when Kuroo takes a nipple into his mouth he starts making high-pitched whines in between gasps as well.

“You’re so warm inside master, taking in my fingers even though you’ve been sitting on Kuroo’s cock for the past half hour,” Daichi breathes into Suga’s ear before nibbling on his lobe, feeling the tremors skittering across his lover’s skin at the sensation.

“Do you want another finger, master? Or would you like my cock instead, fucking you while you ride Kuroo again? Do you want us to fill you with our come until it leaks out of your entrance and onto the sheets? And then we can clean you up with our mouths and take you again? Just tell us what you want, we’re all yours… and you belong to us too.” As if to prove his point, Daichi bites down on the side of Suga’s neck and then starts sucking it, mouthing at the teeth marks eagerly.

“B-bad dog!” Suga squeals. “That place’s too obvious!”

Daichi’s smile is positively devious. “Ah, but we dogs can be very territorial, master.”

“Be grateful master, Daichi could’ve peed on you to mark you as his instead.”

Suga scrunches his nose in disgust. “Okay ew Tetsu, I did not want to hear about _that_ sort of bodily fluid.”

“Then maybe you’ll prefer this type of fluid instead,” Daichi suggests right before he presses his mouth to Suga’s, tongue pushing past lips that open up willingly and exploring every corner of his jaw.

“Well, us cats aren’t any less territorial, and no way are we going to lose to the likes of you,” Kuroo promises as he winds an arm around Suga’s waist and pulls him forward. He holds his startled master flush against his own body and raises an eyebrow at Daichi, both a warning and a challenge.

“So what do you say, dog? Are you up for it?” he asks as he parts Suga’s cheeks down the middle to display his soft and pliant entrance, then dips a finger in just for good measure.

Daichi’s eyes narrow and a fearsome grin crosses his face. “Oh, you’re on,” he replies, then plants a kiss on Suga’s neck as he starts coating his cock with lube.

* * *

The heat pooling in Kuroo’s insides is almost unbearable, and his cock is fit to burst at this point, but he’ll be damned if he peaks first and lets Daichi have the last laugh. He tells himself it’s because Daichi’s already come once while he hasn’t had his release yet, but no matter the circumstances he probably wouldn’t have lasted long anyway against the onslaught of stimulation from Daichi’s cock rubbing against his, Suga’s insides clenching around them both, and seeing his boyfriends suck each other’s faces off.

So instead he gives a particularly hard thrust so that Suga jolts with a strangled gasp, then seizes his chance to claim Daichi’s lips for his own. Even as he kisses Daichi senseless, one arm still holds Suga steady against his chest to keep him upright.

Suga’s body is like putty in his hands, swaying in time as he and Daichi alternate thrusts. He’d already come once when Daichi has penetrated him, and Kuroo can’t say for sure how many orgasms he’d had since then. In any case, the sticky fluid plastered all over his abdomen is enough proof.

“Koushi?” Daichi asks worriedly, having pulled away from Kuroo to check on his other boyfriend. “Are you alright? Do you need to safeword out?”

“ ‘M fine,” Suga responds raspily as he squeezes Daichi’s hand. “You’ve been a good boy. You deserve a nice treat.”

“Thank you, master.” Daichi leaves a light peck on Suga’s mole under his eye, then curls his fingers around his cock twitching with overstimulation and looks Kuroo in the eye.

“Together?”

“Together,” Kuroo affirms, hoisting Suga up for the last stretch and throwing any last traces of inhibition out the window.

Afterward, Daichi pulls out first and arranges the pillows again so that they can lay Suga down on a partially clean surface at least. He lies there while come and lube trickle out of his perineum and down his thighs, clearly tired out yet smiling beatifically as he pats them both on the head.

Kuroo lets Daichi stay to keep Suga awake while he goes to run the water in the tub, and then Daichi carries Suga into the bathroom. He holds him up in the water while Kuroo starts applying soap to his back.

“Aren’t cats supposed to dislike water?”

“Shut up, you just want to cuddle him by yourself. Oh hang on, I think he’s dozed off.”

Daichi bends down to lick Suga’s face again. “Master, you can’t fall asleep here. Just stay awake a little longer, please?”

For a minute Suga doesn’t even stir, and Kuroo’s beginning to think he might have to splash water on him to wake him up when he finally mumbles, “Then hurry up. Five more minutes.”

So they quickly rinse the soap off him, then lift him out of the tub and towel him dry in record time. However, they soon run into another dilemma at the shelf above the sink where Suga keeps his facial wash products.

“Uh, which one does he use on Fridays?”

“I think the blue one - ”

“ – wasn’t it the purple one?”

“Maybe the small one – small ones are expensive.”

“But they’re all small, how does he tell them apart? Okay er, eeny meeny miny – wait, this is hair conditioner.”

“Nah, it’s this- holy shit that’s where my flavored lube went.”

“Kuroo, what the fuck.”

Even after they’ve settled on a concoction that _probably_ wouldn’t mess up Suga’s meticulous face wash routine too badly, there are still important questions to answer.

“Um, how much do we use exactly?”

“Do we have to rub in specific circles or something? And what about his eyelids?”

“Do these even go on the eyelids in the first place?”

“Can we just slap a face mask on him and pretend that we did shit?”

“I can’t do this, yeah okay let’s go with the face mask. But where does he keep those - ”

“Oh fuck it, just carry me to bed so I can get some sleep already,” Suga mutters half-consciously from where they’ve left him slumped (not too unceremoniously) on the toilet seat.

There’s a moment of silence, then Daichi clears his throat. “Sure, let’s just head to bed now.”

And so with a bit of lifting and stumbling they all manage to get back to the bedroom, only to find the sheets just as dirty as when they’d left. “We can’t sleep on this,” Daichi says, stating the glaringly obvious.

“Maybe you two can sleep side by side and I can use your chests as a mattress.” When the other two don’t respond, Suga blinks blearily at their speechless faces. “What? I gotta take advantage of my boyfriends’ firm abs at some point, right?”

Kuroo sighs. “Let’s just use the guest futons.”

In the end, they all end up clinging to each other on two futons that are clearly not wide enough to accommodate three young men at the same time, and there’s still the sheets to wash and air come morning, but Kuroo still wouldn’t have traded this for anything in the world. He nuzzles Daichi’s hair and threads his fingers through Suga’s, and thanks whatever cosmic powers are out there for his two occasionally crazy, always unpredictable and utterly perfect boyfriends, who he’d gladly wash a thousand semen-stained sheets for. Then right before he drifts off to sleep, another thought crosses his mind.

“Hey Sawamura, what if the next time your shrimpy kouhai and his moody setter stay over I tell them that your bare dick once touched the futon they’re sleeping on?”

Suga’s hand quickly moves to pinch him hard on the wrist. “If you value your skin you’ll do nothing of the sort. Now go to sleep.”

“Yes, master.”

**Author's Note:**

> Two days after I finished writing this, I was not paying attention to my Biology teacher explaining the various parts of the endocrine system when someone raised their hand and asked, "Since the endocrine system controls involuntary movement, does it control the penis too?"
> 
> Teacher: Well to be exact, that would be correct since the testes are endocrine glands that secrete testosterone...
> 
> Male population of class: _haw haw haw so the endocrine system gives us erections haw haw haw_
> 
> Me: **_... SHIT I FORGOT TO USE CONDOMS IN THE FIC_**
> 
> So as you can see, I have very clearly defined priorities when in class. And please _don't_ take a leaf out of this here fic and practice safe sex! *public service announcement jingle plays*
> 
> Also I was originally going to use the waxplay prompt (working title: 'I have good self control I don't need gags') because _waxplay on Daichi's thighs come **on**_ , but I scrapped that notion when I realised I knew next to nothing about waxplay and couldn't possibly write it in a way that doesn't leave me cringing the minute after I stop typing. Perhaps a prequel fic instead?


End file.
